"If I am capable of grasping God objectively, I do not believe, but precisely because I cannot do this I must believe. If I wish to preserve myself in faith I must constantly be intent upon holding fast the objective uncertainty, so as to remain out upon the deep, over seventy thousand fathoms of water, still preserving my faith." - Søren Kierkegaard
I wrote this article for Hilites, the school's magazine. They released a special edition that discussed homosexuality. I think it was wonderfully ballsy of them to do so, as it is a topic that's difficult to talk about, but one that must be talked about.
I had all my dear friends and family (gay and straight) in mind and heart when I wrote this.
It has been 5 months since I've returned from the US and I still run into people whom I haven't seen since leaving almost 3 years ago. The reactions never really stray from the usual exchange: My friend says, "You're back!" Which leads to the inevitable follow up question, "For how long?" And my response will always be, "For good...or at least for a very long time, depending on what the Lord reveals."
Conrado De Quiros' article today talks about "coming home," how Filipino students who study abroad must respond to the tug to go back home and help the country. I am one of those who studied in the US and came back home to work. I am, to quote De Quiros, "(putting) to good use what (I've) learned for God and country." Edgardo Angara would be proud of me.
According to Angara, (former) students like myself should "feel (we) have the support and commitment of the government." De Quiros goes on to say, however, that that is simply impossible right now, taking our current government into consideration. He he does offer hope though, seeing that PGMA's reign (yes, reign) is about to end (hopefully, barring any massive change in the constitution).
I must say, all this talk about coming back home despite the "insanity" (De Quiros' term) of that decision makes me seem very patriotic and downright awesome. Fact is, however, I came back home for purely selfish reasons. Chaddy and I went home because we wanted to come home. I mean, why on earth not? Well, actually, that's fairly easy to answer. It's easy to leave and stay away, what with the chaotic city life, choking red tape, incredible humidity (that is doing wonders to my hair), disastrous floods, and an idiotic ex president who thinks he can give it another go (well, the idiotic president throne has been vacated by Bush anyway. I mean, which president can the pundits laugh at now? But I digress...).
I suppose, then, the harder question to answer is, "What for?" I say I came back home for the chance to teach again, for the opportunity to help, for me and Chaddy to start a family, for friendship. Angara (and perhaps even De Quiros) would want those who have studied in the States to help the country, but in all honesty, I came back home for me. All political, social, and all-other-al reasons are just a pleasant offshoot of that intrinsically selfish desire to Just. Be. Back. Home. If I seem to be altruistic in my selfish pursuits, then hurrah. But make no mistake, more than anything else, coming back home was really for me.
So I think this is why it's all working out for me. Sure, things are tough and money's tight (I just realized that I've been living off relief goods...and I wasn't even affected by the floods...that's just all we can afford to eat right now, hehehe...), but I am incredibly, massively, disgustingly, paradoxically happy. I could resent being here every time I see another politician spinning the usual bull**** into (fool's) gold, I could curse the high heavens for the deluge that could have made Noah pick up an axe and several logs again, I could feign a heart attack from all the MSG in the instant noodles I eat. But. I don't, because I want to be here. I like it here. No, I love it here.
With respect to De Quiros (whom I shall eternally love) and Angara (whom I will eternally feel iffy about), perhaps instead of drumming up patriotic duty, they should focus on cultivating a love for country. Not just for the students who leave (and not return), but for those who are still here (and thinking of leaving). No amount of duty will trump my love for my country. This is my country. It's a little crappy right now, but it's my crap. And it won't always be crappy. I firmly, sincerely, and ridiculously believe that. It was easy to complain from far away (what am I saying, it's easy to complain here!), but here, I can be part of the solution. But before you think I'm being honorable again, pause, because really, how hard is it to be selfish?
I haven't been posting anything because...I have been trying to find a way to remain truthfully euphemistic and euphemistically truthful, but I can't. So I'm waiting for a time when I shall be calmer (and kinder) before writing about it (if I will at all).
In the meantime...this should be fun. It certainly gave us a good 30 minutes of fun. Of course, Chaddy and I made it a mini-competition, but what else is new? LOL...:-) Click on the picture to go to the original site. If you hover on the picture (at the original site), it shows the answer. Some are pretty easy to guess, while some are a little trickier.
Well, enjoy. (And off I go to calm myself down some more...)
I fully appreciate the irony here: I have a blog. There are parts of me that are for public consumption, so I do realize that I set myself up for — hmmm — moments of unwarranted familiarity with some.
For example:
Person: "How's so and so?"
Me thinking: How on earth did they know about that?
Person: "Oh, I read it in your blog!"
Me thinking: Oh.
Moments like that, I do understand. I mean, hey, I wrote about it. But since I'm pretty sure that I write about super private matters privately (or never at all), then I know that when someone out of my sphere of — well — interest asks about something private, it isn't because I offered it willingly through my blog. It is simply because they are being tactless.
What is it about Filipinos that makes them think you owe them some explanation for how you live your life? And I'm not saying offering justifications for, say, illegally crossing the street. I am talking about deeply personal matters that spring from deeply personal reasons that only a handful of people are actually qualified to ask about (and yet they don't...and that's why they're qualified).
Enough hypotheticals. Why do you people (and I'm just angry, and I don't really mean "you" in particular, since this is, a private entry after all...) think it's okay to say, "Uy, tumaba ka!" in lieu of "Hello! How are you? How have you been?"
We haven't seen each other in years and the first thing you would like to say is that I got fat??? Do you even know why I gained weight? Do you even know why it's painful to hear that? Or worse, they ask, "Kelan ba kayo magkaka-baby???" Yes, sure. We were totally not thinking of having children, but since you so sincerely asked for it, hang on a second and let me call my husband so we can start the baby making process, STAT.
Here's the thing: I gained weight because I stopped taking birth control pills. Those pills helped me with my dysmenorrhea for YEARS. The pills regulated my hormones and it helped with the monthly pain — no, torture — that I had to endure. The pills, ironically, also ensured that I will have some measure of fertility upon discontinuing them, because I also have all sorts of reproductive issues. When I stopped taking them (roughly two years ago), I went through all sorts of physical withdrawal. I gained weight, I lost weight, I gained it again. I lost hair. I broke out like you wouldn't believe. I suffered from insomnia. But I endured all that because my husband and I wanted to have a child. And since this is private and available only to select individuals, then you all know by now how painful this particular aspect of our life is to me.
SO EXCUSE ME IF MY OWN PAIN WREAKS HAVOC ON THE IMAGE YOU HAVE OF ME, but seriously, I have more important concerns. And yet, I cannot discount the fact, that every time you ask why I gained weight, or why I don't have children yet, all this — ALL THIS — instantly pierces me to the core. You're not important to me, and so your opinions shouldn't matter...but this is, perhaps, my deepest character flaw. And no matter who you are, if you say it, it will be hurtful.
The funny thing is (and by funny, I mean funny-kill-me-now, not funny-haha-like-a-frikken'-tickled-Elmo), one time I actually took the time to explain why I gained weight, you know what that horrid person said??? "Too much information!!!"
Too much information? Too much frikken' information?!?!?! PRECISELY!!! You want too much information? Dude, I haven't even begun to tell you how bad it is. I swear, I almost turned green and transformed into the most ravishing angry monster you had ever seen.
When you tell me I've gained weight (or when you tell ANYONE they've gained weight), you give me unnecessary information. Isa lang napakalaking DUH ng sinabi mo.
When you ask me why I don't have children yet, YOU ASK TOO MUCH INFORMATION FROM ME!Bakit, close ba tayo? Walang hiya ka!!!
I'm sick of smiling, playing along by saying, "Oo nga e. Hehehe."
Here are the things that I seriously want to say:
"Ako? Tumaba? Naku, pasensha na. Hayaan nyo po't di na ako kakain."
"Ay talaga? Kasi po kayo pangit pa rin e! Galing! Kasi ako, at least papayat pa, kayo ho, pangit na talaga."
"Alam nyo po, may eating disorder po ako dati e, so kung pupwede, wag nyo po ako sasabihan nun, kasi tuwing naririnig ko yun, mejo gusto ko na po ulit magpakamatay."
"Hindi po talaga ako mabubuntis kasi silahis po asawa ko e."
"Hindi po talaga ako mabubuntis kasi silahis po ako."
"Hindi po talaga ako mabubuntis kasi mahilig kaming mag-asawa sa silahis."
"We have butt-sex." — This one's from Mark and Lu, LOL!
"Baog po ako, pasensha na ho. Okay lang po ba yun sa inyo?"
"Nanganak na nga ho ako e. Kaso nakita ni Angelina, nakursunadahan, ayun, in-adopt."
"Sige lang po, mag-novena kayo para mabuntis ako. Ipagdasal nyo na rin po na tumangkad ako, pumayat ako, yumaman ako, at mawala na sa TV si Willie Revillame."
"Sayaw tayo sa Ubando? Pwede bang may glow sticks dun?"
"E $^%&# ka pala e, paki mo???"
Thank God I still have my real friends who don't ask, they just listen. Thank God I have my husband who loves me for exactly who I am (faulty pipes and all). And thank God for some family members who hope and pray but do not impose (I think my parents have mastered this, LOL! ).
I had dinner with one of my very good friends who also happens to be our ninang sa kasal the other day, and she told me the most wonderful food for thought: When I look at my self and my husband, wala namang kulang e. We are happy the way we are. We don't have much, but by God, we're happy. Having a child will be dagdag — all other blessings are dagdag — but wala namang kulang sa aming mag-asawa.
I was planning to gain more weight and remain childless as a big f-you to those other people. But as it happens, my body is still adjusting to this heat, so I've lost about ten pounds since moving back. Holding out on the baby thing just might be easier.
Saw this meme making the rounds, and I thought I'd participate. Because as far as memes go, this one goes beyond self-promotion (although I suppose it still is, in the teensiest way...that's why it's still fun, *grin*) because it actually has purpose! I hope this helps, msmazzola!
1. How long have you been blogging? My first entry here in Multiply is dated October 15, 2006. But I had an off-and-on blog prior to that, started some time 2002.
2. Why did you start blogging? Initially because I was bored out of my mind during work (some corporate job). I would finish work early and had nothing else left to do!
3. What have you found to be the benefits of blogging? Aside from the obviously therapeutic effects of release, I have learned so many things from the friendships I've formed here in the blogosphere.
Also, and quite ironically, I've learned to temper my temper. I know how some people have used anonymous blogging to mouth off at every opportunity, but blogging actually made me be more careful with the words I would use. I guess it started when I realized a significant number of people were actually reading my stuff -- and some of them were my former students!
4. How many times a week do you post an entry? Not as often as I want to. It would vary. I used to be able to post 3-4 entries a week. Right now, I'm lucky if I post 1 entry in a week!
5. How many different blogs do you read on a regular basis? Too many! I find that I rely on blogs for news now more than newspapers, LOL.
6. Do you comment on other people’s blogs? Yes! That's how "friendships" are made.
7. Do you keep track of how many visitors you have? Is so, are you satisfied with your numbers? I used to, until I realized that most of them were just lurkers and didn't really have anything to say. Not that I mind, of course. It's awesome that I'm even read at all. I just appreciate those who take the time and comment more. :-)
8. Do you ever regret a post that you wrote? Absolutely! I have since taken them down. LOL! Nothing of great significance though.
9. Do you think your audience has a true sense of who you are based on your blog? I believe so. Granted, a lot of my postings are protected -- only my contacts can read them. But there are some who read my stuff and leave comments or send personal messages that reflect an eerie semi-accurate understanding of who I am and what I stand for.
Jury's still out on whether that's a good thing or a bad thing though, LOL!
10. Do you blog under your real name? Yes. Anonymous blogging is disruptive, I believe. Unless your life is on the line.
11. Are there topics that you would never blog about? Yes, only because I would much rather talk about it in person.
12. What is the theme/topic of your blog? It didn't used to have a theme. I don't think it necessarily has one. Right now, it's my personal soapbox for my own pet issues: LGBT rights, gender issues, race equality, my own brand of faith, politics, and the advocacy of happiness. :-)
I manage to slip in a few rants here and there, much to the pleasure of my friends who find me infinitely funny when I'm angry.
13. Do you have more than one blog? If so, why? I have a Facebook account and I write notes in it -- but those are limited to mindless memes (not at all like this one, LOL!) and echoed entries from here. This is my one true blog.
So it's been a full week now. My sweat glands have been resuscitated, my atopic dermatitis (skin asthma) is on overdrive, my sleeping pattern is off (which, ironically, means I'm sleeping and waking up normally since I usually have very bad insomnia), and I've gleefully read four books (I'm now on my fifth).
However, it seems as though, no matter how much I psyched myself for this, I was and am still ill-prepared for the monstrosity that is this humidity. It made me wonder if I ever handled this better — I mean, surely I praised this heat to high heavens but a few months ago. Yes, granted, it was during the height of winter, but still! Was it ever really this bad? I swear, for about five minutes this afternoon, I probably went into a shallow coma. I tried to imagine myself in Faulkner's Yoknapatawpha County, or at least in Mitchell's Savannah, conjuring up some semi-glamorous scene — me on a rocking chair on a creaky porch drinking heavenly sweet tea. I opened my eyes and realized it was just sticky, rash-y me on a couch that was a wonderfully able conduit of evil-evil heat.
So far, my husband has been driving me around because he is the consummate gentleman — and also because I have since gained a renewed appreciation for, well, being alive. Good grief. After driving in the sleepy streets of Grand Rapids, Manila traffic has rendered me fearful for my life. No, seriously. I still have to look at my husband in complete wonderment because he was able to fall back into the groove of driving here, whereas I have resigned myself to the fact that I shall forever be either a commuter or a passenger.
I miss our GR friends. I miss having access to the Internet 24/7 (this one is particularly hard to get over, LOL!). I miss my favorite bar. I miss my cubicle at work. I miss my co-workers. I miss my family — eating dinner and watching Brian Williams together. I miss our church. I miss going to church with my family. Hoo-weee.
But.
It is glorious to be back home. I wake up in the middle of the night and hear Manila nighttime noises. The all-too-familiar skyline greets me everyday. At any given moment during the day, someone, somewhere, is always laughing. Always. :-) The food is UN-BE-LIEVE-A-BLE. Conversations with old friends belie the more than two years spent apart. Our dog, Sushi, curled up against me and promptly fell asleep after heaving a huge and contented sigh. My husband's aunties were here to visit because my father-in-law passed away, and they are a HOOT! :-) It was great to see my in-laws again. And best of all, it is easier to fall asleep now, because my husband is beside me again.
I've been asked several times why I came home. Which place is better. Would I stay long. Aside from the why I came home part, the rest of the usual questions, I honestly don't know how to answer. Right now, I am on the brink of something great (something about work — I don't want to jinx it, so I won't say anything more than this: Weee!) and I feel like I can't say anything final as of yet. All I know is that right now, I feel like I am where I should be. And good things are about to happen.
Today was my last day at work — the first of a series of lasts till I leave in exactly six days.
It feels weird — I am all at once excited, sad, calm, and scared. It's not like I haven't done this before. It's just that, at this precise instance, if I become quiet and still enough, I can almost feel myself growing up. :p
More than anything, I feel grateful for having had the chance to work here. The nonprofit sector will always be in my heart now. *sigh*
"As we made our way around the world we encountered love, hate, rich and poor, black and white, and many different religious groups and ideologies. It became very clear that as a human race we need to transcend from the darkness to the light and music is our weapon of the future. This song around the world features musicians who have seen and overcome conflict and hatred with love and perseverance. We don't need more trouble, what we need is love. The spirit of Bob Marley always lives on.
This is the fourth Song Around The World (The last one in the series - KN)video released from the CD/DVD Playing For Change: Songs Around The World and the follow up to the classics "Stand By Me," "One Love" and "Don't Worry." This unforgettable track was performed by musicians around the world adding their part to the song as it traveled the globe.
Order the CD/DVD Playing For Change Songs Around The World" now at amazon.com! http://tinyurl.com/c6mhgd
The Playing For Change "Songs Around The World" CD/DVD is also available at your neighborhood Starbucks and everywhere music is sold.
Order the "War/No More Trouble," "Stand By Me," "Don't Worry," and "One Love" videos and the new Songs Around The World album now at iTunes! http://tinyurl.com/pfcitunes
Sign up at http://playingforchange.com for updates and exclusive content. You can also buy cool stuff in our new online store!
![](javascript:setImgSrc("bigphoto_2", "http://multiply.com/mu/katinkateeny/image/2/photos/upload/600x600/ShybvwoKCtgAAHGVCO01/DSC02820.JPG?et=rZoRfMm5h2gnrsn0aC1qIg&nmid=247292975", 600, 450))
![](javascript:setImgSrc("bigphoto_2", "http://multiply.com/mu/katinkateeny/image/2/photos/upload/600x600/ShybvwoKCtgAAHGVCO03/DSC02821.JPG?et=IL9UBKpvmMxl1bngcN8FcQ&nmid=247292975", 600, 450))
![](javascript:setImgSrc("bigphoto_2", "http://multiply.com/mu/katinkateeny/image/2/photos/upload/600x600/ShybvwoKCtgAAHGVCO05/DSC02822.JPG?et=zgrrxmkgbe8jp4nkNiKZ1w&nmid=247292975", 600, 450))
). 
